# Broken Rainbows - Abuse in the LGBTQIA+ community Blog Equality, Diversity & Inclusion By Guest Blog 11th May 2026 ***Thank you to our member, Zoe John-Kay, for this article.*** Most counsellors and psychotherapists learn about abuse during training. We learn about particular patterns and dynamics of abuse in families of origin and intimate partner violence. However, abuse for LGBTQIA+ people can look quite different, and many therapists are less aware of the ways in which abuse presents in these communities. Members of the LGBTQIA+ community are particularly at risk of abuse. Our relationship structures and interpersonal dynamics may look different. The way we move through life may not fit the mould of what one would expect for cisgender, heterosexual people. Our developmental milestones are often different, or happen in a different order compared to people with more culturally accepted and normalised identities. These differences combined can make it harder for people to recognise their own experiences as abuse and make it harder for therapists without knowledge of queer communities to identify abusive behaviours. ### **Minority stress and abuse** Ilan Meyer popularised the minority stress theory originally proposed by Winn Kelly Brooks in her 1981 paper about minority stress and lesbian women. Her theory was taken up by Meyer, who expanded and applied the theory to a wider range of groups starting with gay men and expanding to other sexual and gender minority groups. *From: Frost, D. M. and Meyer, I. H. (2023). Minority stress theory: Application, critique, and continued relevance. Current Opinion in Psychology, Volume 51, 101579.* Having a marginalised identity is inherently stressful. The real-world experiences of disadvantage can include a lack of equal legal rights and prejudice events such as becoming the victim of harassment or hate crimes. These experiences increase a person’s expectations of rejection on the basis of identity and internalised queerphobia, resulting in poorer mental and physical health outcomes. The mental health challenges associated with being LGBTQIA+ are so pronounced, researchers have called addressing them “a societal imperative”(1) and warned of the risks to transgender people in particular. The trans community is currently the subject of a widespread moral panic that is seeing their rights and access to healthcare being increasingly rolled back across much of the world. Poor mental health has a complex relationship with abuse. It can make people more vulnerable to abuse. In some cases, mental ill-health and trauma histories can cause people to behave in aggressive or controlling ways. The stress of societal discrimination can lead to isolation, creating or exacerbating conditions that leave LGBTQIA+ people at a higher risk of abusive relationships. ### **Power dynamics** The way that many people view intimate partner violence is influenced by a growing understanding of the patriarchal nature of society. Statistically, women are more likely to be abused or killed by men, whether the men are their partners or family members. That does not mean women can’t be abusive in heterosexual relationships. It is just less common. Typically, the understanding of power dynamics in a relationship focuses on differences in gender, age, physical stature, life experience, and resources. The combination of these factors have typically left men in positions of power over women. Much of this understanding falls apart when applied to the LGBTQIA+ community. Although there may be age gaps in queer relationships, a younger partner who came out at an early age will have more queer life experience and social capital than a partner in middle age who left a long-term heterosexual relationship with a lifetime of internalised queerphobia to unlearn. When a person has spent much of their life suppressing important parts of their identity because they feel shameful and wrong, it is a longer process to integrate those characteristics and develop a positive valence towards their identity. As can be seen in minority stress theory, how a person with a marginalised identity feels about their identity and how well integrated that is with the rest of their sense of self has an important part to play in either aggravating or ameliorating stress. There is also a tendency to assume that cisgender men have more physical strength than cisgender women in an opposite-sex relationship, but that distinction crumbles when you consider the dynamics of same sex couples. Mixed-orientation relationships can be a source of tension. Bisexual people can face double-discrimination, not seen as full members of the queer community or fully fitting in with heteronormative expectations. It is not surprising that statistics show that bisexual people are at greater risk of mental ill-health compared to gay and straight people(2). Bisexual people in relationships with hetero- or homosexual partners may find themselves experiencing emotional abuse in the form of invalidation and biphobia. I experienced this myself in a past relationship with a straight man, who used my bisexuality to level accusations of infidelity and untrustworthiness at me during arguments unrelated to our relationship dynamic. Coming out as queer while in an existing relationship can also be a point of tension that can develop into abuse. This can obscure abuse dynamics based on perception of the identity of the partners. If a transgender partner comes out whilst in an ostensibly opposite-sex relationship, It is sadly not uncommon to hear of emotional abuse from cisgender partners. Some people find that after coming out, their partners threaten to out them to family members before they are ready and threaten to cut them off from their children if they proceed with transition. Trans women have spoken with me of cis female partners using the kind of name-calling and undermining easily recognisable in opposite sex relationships as emotional abuse. I’ve worked with trans women who feel guilty and say they think they made their partners behave in this way towards them by coming out. For trans women especially, social stigma and the widespread narrative that trans women are predatory and manipulative can be strongly internalised. This can obscure the dynamics at play. Violence is sadly normalised when it flows down the social hierarchy and while cisgender women have lower social standing than men in a patriarchal society, they have a higher position in the social pecking order compared to trans women. This is true even when the trans woman appeared to be a man when the relationship started. ### **Friendships and chosen family** We know that people’s family of origin can be a source of trauma caused by abuse, but people who have not experienced queer chosen family may not be familiar with this kind of relationship and its importance to LGBTQIA+ people, or how it can turn sour. This type of dynamic amongst friends is common for queer people, many of whom are estranged from their families of origin or have little contact due to lack of acceptance of their identities. Deep bonds of mutual care and interdependence between friends can provide a substitute for the sorts of lifelong intergenerational relationships associated with family of origin. While there is much beauty in these found kinship bonds, as with all families there can be clashes. Therapists who don’t have the same experience of kinship-type ties with friendship groups may less readily recognise abusive patterns that would be clearer in the context of a family of origin or between romantic or sexual partners. Violence, sexual exploitation, emotional abuse, financial abuse, and coercive control are as possible within found family dynamics as with family of origin. Asexual and aromantic people are at particular risk of their abuse going unrecognised by themselves or other people. Asexual and aromantic people are some of the most misunderstood people under the queer umbrella and, similarly to bisexual people, often have their experiences disbelieved and invalidated by queer and heteronormative communities. This can be especially isolating and make it harder to find community. Although some asexual or aromantic people choose to have partners, it is not unusual to choose to focus on friendships rather than domestic partnerships. Some people choose queer-platonic partnership as an option. This is a relationship where two people decide to plan their lives around each other without a romantic or sexual entanglement. They may choose to cohabit, share finances, or even co-parent. These interdependencies create some of the same tensions that you would see in couple with a more heteronormative relationship style. I’ve known asexual and aromantic people who have been coercively controlled, financially abused, and physically assaulted by friends they’ve considered to be the most important people in their lives. Without understanding the fundamental importance and depth of friendships for asexual and aromantic people, it can be easy to overlook the power imbalances of friendships that someone relies on as their primary type of relationship. ### **Getting free of abuse** Leaving an abuser is complex and difficult for anyone in an abusive relationship. In addition to these challenges, there are particular considerations for LGBTQIA+ people distancing themselves from abusive relationships. Queer communities are necessarily smaller and closer-knit than more heteronormative social circles and provide a lifeline for people who are ostracised and demonised elsewhere in society. Coming together in community for support and mutual understanding is a protective factor identified in Meyer’s minority stress model. Distancing oneself from an abuser who shares the same queer social circles may lead to ruptures in communities. LGBTQIA+ people are keenly aware of the impact of ostracisation and isolation and fear of leaving an abusive partner with no social support can stop LGBTQIA+ people speaking to friends and others in their shared community. Support can be harder to find. Domestic abuse services tend to be for cis women survivors of male perpetrators of violence and can be difficult to navigate for bisexual and lesbian women, whose experiences do not fit into the Freedom Programme(3) followed by many women’s shelters and domestic abuse services. Gay men and trans people often have even fewer options. Trans men may find accessing a women’s shelter very dysphoric or plain unsuitable, while trans women are often expressly excluded Women’s Aid facilities(4). For survivors who decide they need to involve the police for their safety, while knowledge of same-sex relationship abuse is better than it was, it is still patchy and unreliable. However, help is available. Galop, the LGBT+ anti-abuse charity, has a national helpline for LGBT+ victims and survivors of abuse and violence. People experiencing or having survived abuse can call 0800 999 5428 or email . In addition to their helpline, the organisation also provides LGBT+ specific advocacy and support for the practicalities of dealing with abuse situations including help navigating the criminal justice system and assistance to find emergency housing if required. *Zoe John-Kay PNCPS(Accred) AAGSRDT is a Gender, Sex and Relationship Diversity therapist living in Swansea and working online with clients across the UK and beyond.* [www.therapywithzoe.co.uk](http://www.therapywithzoe.co.uk/) **References:** *(1) Shaikh A, Kamble P, Daulatabad V, Singhal A, Madhusudhan U, John NA. Mental health challenges within the LGBTQ community: A societal imperative. J Family Med Prim Care. 2024 Sep;13(9):3529-3535. doi: 10.4103/jfmpc.jfmpc\_321\_24. Epub 2024 Sep 11. PMID: 39464965; PMCID: PMC11504819.* (2) *Dodge, B., & Sandfort, T. G. M. (2007). A review of mental health research on bisexual individuals when compared to homosexual and heterosexual individuals. In Becoming visible: Counseling bisexuals across the lifespan. (pp. 28–51). Columbia University Press.* (3) [*https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/*](https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/) (4) *Women’s Aid (2022). Position regarding member services and direct services to survivors.* [*https://womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-single-sex-services-statement/*](https://womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-single-sex-services-statement/)