# The Countertransference of Parenting: Inside the World of an Adoptive Counsellor Blog Children, young people & families By Guest Blog 16th July 2026 ***With thanks to our member, Dr. Lara Tarocco, for this article.*** Living at the intersection of adoptive parenthood and professional counselling provides a unique, deeply moving perspective on trauma, attachment, and systemic healing. Stepping into the therapy room after managing a complex attachment crisis at home triggers a profound collision of two worlds. Despite extensive preparation courses, nothing prepared me for the raw impact of bringing home an unknown child and learning to love him. I had to face post-adoption depression, maternal ambivalence, and my child’s acute trauma. Merging this intimate lived experience with psychological expertise sheds light on the deep systemic gaps, innovative practices, and clinical nuances involved in supporting care-experienced individuals. ## Local Gaps and Systemic Pressures The support landscape for looked-after and adopted children faces severe challenges, often leaving vulnerable families isolated at critical moments. A glaring local gap is the administration of the Adoption Support Fund (ASF). While invaluable, its bureaucratic hurdles create unnecessary delays. Families wait months for approvals while children remain in active, distressing crises. Furthermore, a distinct postcode lottery dictates availability; some regions boast specialised support teams, while neighbouring areas offer little more than basic social work signposting. Worse still is the relational breakdown between struggling families and local authorities. In my experience, statutory post-adoption support was of no use. When adoptive parents hit a wall, a terrifying question arises: *Would you trust social services not to take the child back, or blame you, if you told them you were struggling?* Because of this fear, parents often hide their pain. Unless an adoptive family has a peer network, they can end up finding themselves entirely alone in a painful tangle of complex emotions. ## CAMHS Thresholds and Systemic Rigidities Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) are chronically overwhelmed, pushing intervention thresholds exceptionally high. A child frequently needs to be in a state of acute risk before triggering an assessment. Even when accepted, certain clinical models often fail looked-after children. Standard, time-limited cognitive interventions like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) frequently prove ineffective for deep-rooted developmental trauma and attachment injuries. These conditions require long-term, relationally driven therapies and when a service structure demands linear progress within six to eight sessions, it fundamentally misunderstands the cyclical nature of trauma recovery. ## The Reality of Attachment: "What do you mean, 'my son'?" When our little boy was first placed with us, well-meaning people would constantly ask, "How nice is it to have your new son?" I would smile blankly while my mind screamed: *What do you mean "my son"? Who? That baby who just arrived who I do not even know?* The word "son" was empty of meaning. When I tried to force it out, I produced nothing but a pathetic, choked babble. Over time, I realised a simple clinical and human truth: love does not come with an on-off switch. Bringing home a child is simply the act of planting a slow-growing seed. To manage my anxiety, I initiated a practical intervention: I started calling him "my child." It was a simple linguistic shift, but it worked wonders. "My" was true because he lived in my house. "Child" was an undeniable fact. While "my son" implied an emotional bond I did not yet feel, "my child" reflected a reality easy for my mind to accept. Once I lifted the crushing burden of forced sentiment, the pressure dissipated, the bond naturally formed, and love blossomed. Experiencing this completely transformed how I work with families. ## What Good Joined-Up Care Looks Like When services understand this slow, fragile attachment process, the positive impact is profound. Multi-agency hubs that co-locate social workers, educational psychologists, and specialised therapists make a genuine difference. Programmes utilising the Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) framework or the Theraplay model provide a unified language of safety. When the therapist, social worker, and school staff all speak the language of PACE (Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, Empathy), the child's nervous system receives a consistent message of safety. In practice, excellent joined-up care looks like a cohesive ecosystem. A school does not simply view a child’s dysregulation as bad behaviour. Instead, teachers collaborate directly with the therapist to implement a personalised sensory diet. This integration ensures the child experiences consistent safety, bridging the gap between home, school, and therapy. ## Partnering with Families and Caring for the Carer Working therapeutically with adoptive families requires moving away from the "expert vs. parent" dynamic. The primary clinical challenge here is secondary traumatic stress and "blocked care." When parents face prolonged developmental trauma behaviours—such as chronic rejection or physical aggression—their own nervous systems enter a chronic state of threat. This defensive state temporarily diminishes a parent's capacity for empathy, leading to severe feelings of shame, failure, and deep isolation. Practitioners must recognise that a dysregulated parent cannot regulate a dysregulated child. True therapeutic success occurs when practitioners treat carers as expert partners. Shifting away from behavioural modification strategies—like reward charts, which often trigger shame in traumatised children—and moving toward relational safety yields remarkable outcomes. ## Working with Care-Experienced Adults The impact of early life adversity does not vanish at age eighteen. Working with care-experienced adults requires an evolved, highly adaptable clinical approach, utilising techniques such as: - Therapeutic Drawing: bypassing the logical, verbal parts of the brain to access, externalise, and process emotions and memories that are too difficult or painful to put into words. - Somatic and Body-Based Therapies: Releasing trauma trapped in the nervous system when verbal processing falls short. - Person Centred Therapy (PCT): offering adoption-experienced individuals a rare space of unconditional acceptance to explore their identity and heal from systemic or relational rejection. The most rewarding element of this work is helping clients reframe their coping mechanisms—such as hyper-independence or dissociation—as brilliant, life-saving survival strategies. However, challenges remain complex. Many adults struggle with intense structural dissociation, pre-verbal trauma, and a deep-seated systemic mistrust born from years of dealing with failing services. Clients frequently test boundaries to see if the therapist will abandon or reject them. Holding that space firmly and safely is the core work of the therapeutic relationship. ### Who is the Author? Dr. Lara Tarocco is a Psychotherapist and a Neurographica® Specialist with an interest in supporting trauma healing through a combination of Therapeutic Counselling and creativity. She has a lived experience as an adoptive mother of a child with Developmental Trauma and has worked extensively with individuals seeking to heal trauma. She combines professional expertise with a compassionate, person-centred philosophy, making her work accessible and inspiring to people from all walks of life. Her new book ***“NeuroArt colouring book: Heal your trauma”*** is a supportive guide to healing trauma through drawing is available on Amazon. Dr. Tarocco offers therapeutic sessions in person at her retreat in Surrey, UK and worldwide online. She also offers **ADHD or Autism Pre-assessment screening** that provide a fast, cost-effective way to determine whether a formal, diagnostic assessment is clinically necessary. For information, contact her today on info@drlaratarocco-psychotherapist.com.