# Why do we Feel the Need to Explain Ourselves So Much?

Blog 

Mental Health Health & Wellbeing 

By Guest Blog

24th June 2026

***With thanks to our member, Carlos Monteiro, for this article.***

Probably one of the issues many of us face in our lives is the constant need to be seen and to explain ourselves to the world around us. It is a question that is both incredibly important and deeply challenging.

The first thing that comes to mind when I think about this issue is: why do we try so hard to be seen?

To attempt to answer that question, I find myself asking a deeper one:

**When did this need to be seen begin?**

More often than not, the answer takes us back to our childhood experiences.

It is important to understand how we were raised as children because it allows us to better understand what may have been missing and how we adapted over the years. More importantly, it helps us develop compassion towards ourselves instead of diminishing ourselves through shame, guilt, depression, or self-criticism.

The turning point is that we are now adults. We are no longer dependent on our parents. And by the way, I am not blaming parents. Most parents do the best they can to raise their children.

However, as adults, we now have the autonomy to change. It is this possibility of change that I would like to explore with you, both as a human being and as a somatic-cognitive therapist.

The problem with constantly trying to be seen by others and endlessly explaining ourselves is often linked to a lack of connection with our instincts and, more specifically, with our bodily reactions in those moments when we overexplain and try too hard to gain acceptance.

First and foremost, we need to recognise when we are in that mode of trying to be seen and explaining ourselves excessively. If we do not know when and how it happens, it becomes very difficult to make any meaningful change.

Notice the wording: *trying*, *overexplaining*, *overdoing*. These are words of excess. They suggest doing more than is naturally required. More importantly, they often point towards an internal conflict.

And that, I believe, is where the real issue lies.

By internal conflict, I mean that in certain situations what we show to the world through our words, body language, emotions, attitude, and energy is in conflict with what is happening inside us.

I do not want to give the impression that there is something wrong with us. Quite the opposite. Most likely, this disconnect between our inner and outer worlds served an important purpose at some point in our lives. It may have been a coping mechanism that developed in response to the environment in which we grew up.

After all, what could we do at three or five years old if our emotional needs were not fully met? We adapted. We coped. We did what we had to do.

Let me give a practical example.

Sometimes we meet people socially and leave the interaction feeling exhausted, drained, and depleted of energy. Often, we explain this by saying, "I am just an introvert, so it is normal to feel tired."

Perhaps that is partly true. But I often wonder whether it has less to do with being introverted or extroverted and more to do with how much of ourselves we give away during those interactions.

When we meet people, we can unconsciously enter a mode that says:

*"I need approval. I need to belong. I need to be accepted, no matter what."*

That is what many of us have trained ourselves to do. To belong at any cost. To become what is needed in order to fit in.

Rather than simply being ourselves.

I think being ourselves is one of the greatest challenges we face. Especially in a world that moves so quickly, where social media is constant and where face-to-face contact is increasingly replaced by screens.

In my experience, becoming ourselves requires courage. At some point, we have to stop and pause.

Yes — stop and pause.

And then ask ourselves:

*"Why did I try so hard to be seen in that moment?"*

*"Why did I feel the need to explain myself so much?"*

And perhaps an even deeper question:

*"How do I begin to change this habit of constantly seeking acceptance?"*

I believe the body can help us answer these questions.

If we pay attention, the body often reveals what is happening before the mind fully understands it. We might notice tension in the forehead, jaw, neck, or shoulders. We may realise we are holding our breath, breathing shallowly, tightening our legs, twisting our body, or narrowing our vision.

Perhaps you experience some of these reactions. Perhaps only a few. Perhaps all of them.

The important thing is not to immediately try to change them, but to notice them.

Gently.

Be as gentle with yourself as you would be with a friend who needed your support.

Then other questions may arise:

*"Why all this tension?"*

*"What purpose does it serve?"*

*"What am I protecting myself from?"*

Only you can answer those questions because you are the person who knows yourself best.

You may discover that the answers revolve around people-pleasing, the need to belong, the fear of saying no, the fear of being judged, the fear of rejection, or the fear of ending up alone.

But at what cost?

That is the question I would like to leave you with.

The cost can be losing our authenticity. Losing our integrity. Respecting others more than we respect ourselves.

I understand. These are often old habits. As children, we may not have had a choice. We had to adapt.

But today we are adults.

Now, when I find myself in a situation that feels uncomfortable, I try to stop for a moment. Whether others like it or not. Whether they find it strange or not.

I pause.

Even if only for two seconds.

And I ask myself:

*"How am I right now?"*

I ask that question as if I were speaking to a good friend.

*"How are you doing, my friend?"*

And if the answer is that I need more time to breathe, think, or simply settle myself, then so be it.

I will try to give myself that time and space.

Gently.

Wishing you all the best.

And a little more space for yourself.

***Carlos Monteiro is a Somatic-Cognitive Therapist based in London. More information can be found at*** [***www.carlosalexandre.co.uk***](https://linklock.titanhq.com/analyse?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.carlosalexandre.co.uk&data=eJxLtjWzSE1OsTQzszBINTdWS7HNSy4o1kvOz1XLta0yzHAKTYzKcsmzSFcrtk3OzytJTC5RNTFITizKyS9OzEmtSMxLKUoFKtcrzVYrsk1KLckASsONKLXNKCkpUDV2VDVyA6Ly8nI9rFoBwUAt5g%25%25)***.***