Looking Beyond Behaviour: Lessons from Care and Adoption

With thanks to our member, Louise Baverstock-Price, for this article.
 

When I first cared for my sister's children after they entered care, I didn't realise I was beginning a journey that would stay with me for the rest of my life.

At the time, I was just trying to do what needed to be done.

Years later, my husband and I adopted our own children. Looking back, I can see a thread running through both experiences. They changed the way I understand people, relationships and behaviour. They also taught me lessons that I now find myself drawing on in my counselling development.

Before caring for my sister's children and later becoming an adoptive parent, I was aware of concepts such as attachment and trauma. But knowing about them and living alongside them are very different things.

Through those experiences, I began to see how early relationships and life experiences can shape behaviour, trust, confidence and the way people relate to the world around them.

The Unknown Story

I also came to appreciate one of the unique challenges of adoption. As adoptive parents, we were not there when many of our children's earliest experiences took place. Whilst information is shared during the adoption process, there will always be parts of a child's story that are unknown, incomplete or difficult for others to tell.

Parenting a child whose story started before you arrived, and learning to respond without always knowing the cause, is one of the most humbling aspects of adoption.

There may be experiences that nobody fully understands, memories that cannot be explained, or pieces of a child's history that are simply unavailable. Yet those experiences can still influence how safe they feel, how they respond to relationships and how they see the world.

Responding Without Answers

There were times when I wanted answers. Times when I wanted to understand exactly what sat behind a reaction, a fear or a behaviour. Over time, I realised that understanding does not always come from having all the information. Sometimes it comes from remaining curious, patient and compassionate, even when there are gaps in the story.

It also taught me something about control. I like understanding things. I like having a plan. Adoption taught me that some questions don't have clear answers, and some journeys cannot be rushed. Learning to let go of that need for certainty was one of the biggest lessons of all.

Meeting Them Where They Are

In many ways, I learned the importance of meeting people where they are rather than where I expect them to be.

Looking back, these experiences taught me a lot about what really matters in relationships. Empathy, patience and acceptance became central. I realised that I didn't need all the answers. Often, the most important thing I could offer was consistency and the reassurance that I wasn't going anywhere.

Fairness and Opportunity

One of the biggest lessons has been recognising that not everyone starts life from the same place.

Some children experience loss, uncertainty or adversity long before they are old enough to understand it. Some are affected by parental mental health difficulties. Some are navigating neurodiversity alongside everything else.

Their experiences shape the way they see the world.

For a long time, I thought fairness meant treating everyone the same. Now I see it differently. Not everybody needs the same thing. Sometimes fairness means understanding what someone is carrying and responding accordingly. It means recognising that whilst everyone deserves the opportunity to thrive, some people need more support to get there.

Connection

Alongside the challenges, I have also seen huge amounts of courage and determination. I have watched children keep going when life has already asked a lot of them. I have seen growth happen in small steps that others might not even notice.

Perhaps the biggest lesson, though, has been about connection.

Whether through caring for my sister's children, becoming an adoptive parent, working in wellbeing or training as a counsellor, I keep coming back to the same conclusion.

Looking back, these experiences taught me a lot about what really matters in relationships. Empathy, patience and acceptance became central. I realised that I didn't need all the answers. Often, the most important thing I could offer was consistency and the reassurance that I wasn't going anywhere.

Reflection

Looking back, caring for children in care taught me to slow down and look beyond behaviour. It taught me to be curious before making assumptions. It taught me that people's actions often make much more sense when you understand their story.

Most importantly, it taught me that nobody should be defined by the challenges they face or the circumstances they were born into.

As I continue my counselling training, I often find myself recognising concepts that I first encountered through lived experience. Attachment, empathy, curiosity and acceptance are no longer just theories to me. They are lessons that have shaped both my personal and professional life.

Not because every client will have experience of care or adoption. But because every person has a story.

And sometimes the most important thing we can do is take the time to understand it.