The Quiet Neglect
With thanks to our member, Clare Scudds, for this article.
This article explores subtle forms of neglect and their long-term effects on emotional wellbeing. While the discussion is reflective and non-graphic, some readers may find the themes emotionally challenging.
When we hear the word “abuse”, we often think of the deliberate, destructive treatment too many are forced to endure, things like domestic violence, long-term bullying, rape or gaslighting. Many of my clients have not experienced any of these kinds of abuse, yet show similar symptoms of trauma. I believe that, for many, their trauma is not due to overtly abusive experiences, but due to the absence of positive things they needed, especially in their early years. This comes under the category of neglect, but, for these clients, it is often less obvious than what we may classically consider neglect. Maybe I’ll call it a quiet neglect.
“I had somewhere to live, enough to eat, a family”, “I knew my parents loved me”, “Nothing really bad happened”..., but there were things missing that are essential for well-being and growth. For example, praise was not present or was based on academic or sporting achievement, not character and love; there were few to no opportunities to speak up, question, voice independent thoughts; emotions were dismissed, neither recognised nor validated; parents were often distracted by work, other children, chores, or friends; quality time for fun and connection was not sufficiently prioritised; healthy independence and anonymity were blocked; or many other good things that could have been, just weren’t.
These clients often live with extreme anxiety, shame, or anger. They may not sleep well or eat well. They can have difficulty forming healthy relationships. They often struggle to focus, motivate themselves, or keep on top of life admin. They may live a life of hypervigilance and self-doubt. These are common symptoms of trauma and abuse.
Is this abuse? I believe so. It is not just what happened to me and what was done to me, but what was not done for me and not available to me. Just because I may never utter the words “abuse” or “neglect” to my clients, it doesn’t mean it isn’t. A lack of provision for the needs of a dependent, often unintentional, often subtle. A quiet neglect.
“I had everything I needed…” - did you really?
Yes, air, water, food, shelter, are essential for us to survive, but without encouragement, validation, affirmation, understanding, connection, and safety to fail, are we really able to live as we were intended to? I believe we were given life not just to survive, but to thrive, to experience deep joy, satisfaction and contentment. When we have missed out on important elements in childhood, a fulfilling life can seem like an elusive fantasy.
Working with clients in this category often means a gradual, supportive approach. I take my time to engage with their story, to delve into what was missing for them, how this impacted them and what strategies they found to manage. This may involve helping clients to recognise that it is natural to have these needs, not something weird, selfish or shameful. We can explore what ways they have found to meet or mitigate these needs as they have grown and matured, and, if there are still gaps, how they might be able to better meet these needs now. It is a precious work, requiring gentleness, safety, reassurance and validation from the counsellor, in order to help the clients develop this for themselves. This also provides the best atmosphere for challenging those old strategies and beliefs. I love seeing clients find acceptance for themselves and their needs and find a place where they can learn to thrive. Rather than being reactive, defensive or self-critical, clients develop self-compassion and are more able to respond in beneficial ways to their needs.
Though it may not look dramatic or obvious to the outside observer, it is very real. A quiet neglect being healed through a quiet uprising.
