Suffering in Silence: It’s Time to Talk about Male Mental Health

With thanks to our member, Carl Argent, for this blog.

We tell boys to ‘man up’, to be strong and not to cry. It’s a hard world out there and you have to be hard to survive. Isn’t that the message most boys receive from their upbringing? The messaging is relentless from the playground to the boardroom: strength, we are told as men, is about showing an emotionless face to the world and putting up. The stereotype also tells us that vulnerability is weakness and mental health as a concept means shame to many men. What is the real cost of this bottling up and silence?

It’s a price paid by some with their lives. Suicide is the single biggest killer of men under 50. Let that sink in for a moment. It’s not car accidents or even cancer, but suicide. There is a silent epidemic raging behind closed doors.

It is time to break the silence…

Some key terms explained

Two very misunderstood concepts today are mental health and what it means to be a man or male. Mental health as a term is not something that is exclusive to the male sex or gender. It affects women as much as men but I believe the key difference is how it is viewed by each sex and gender. Men in general are much more prone to developing mental health concerns because of the stereotype of a strong man that demands that men do not talk about it, or seek help for it. Mental health is perhaps incorrectly separated from what we consider human health which adds to the confusion. When I consider my health, I am already considering how I feel inside as well as outside. For me mental health is a term that doesn’t need to be defined so strongly, we perhaps just need more emphasis on the fact health incorporates it too.

Back to the point. Mental health is simply a state of wellbeing (which again echoes biopsychosocial health – bodily health, psychological health and also social health) that enables individuals to cope with the stresses of life, to realise their skills, talents and abilities, and to have the capacity to learn and work. It’s not just what is happening on one’s mind that affects this overall sense of living well because all sorts of other factors that sit in the social and biological spheres can affect this too. How we interact with our community, in social media, with our friends and family are all social factors that can affect our mental health. Our fear of disease and bodily health also contributes because it can shut us down when we see it going wrong. Finally, how we feel from a mental and emotional perspective only really represents one third of what mental health includes.

Moreover, mental health is a basic human right, which means we all have the right to bodily health, to express and seek help for how we feel, and to connect with other human-beings in whichever context is right for us.

The other key term is man, or specifically what it means to be a man, not precluding gender in this context. Trans men have as much right to the information here as biological males because the concerns around mental health are as real and present in society. However, am I going to provide another stereotype of what a man is? No, absolutely not! Why? Being a man is a personal experience and there is one single single definition of what it means to be a man when considering the full spectrum of the psychosocial model (encompassing aspects from the body, psychology and society). But what I will do is offer a counter-definition of what a man is not.

In short and plain terms, a man is not somebody who does not have emotions, is not somebody who is more or less worthy or important in life or society than women: both sexes and genders are equal. A man is not somebody who needs to be physically strong, with big arms and a six pack to show off his physical prowess or strength. This viewpoint often comes from gym bro culture, and might happen for two reasons. First, some men might feel pressured to adhere to restrictive social media norms around physical appearance and masculinity. In fact over a third of men under 35 define a man as “being physically strong”. This comes from social media and is not representative of society in general. Maybe there are some jobs where physical strength comes in handy but it does not, and should not define what a man is. Second, it might be a way for some men to vent the frustration and anger that comes from the pressure of attaining hyper-masculinity. Vulnerability is not a weakness. Showing one’s vulnerability through crying, displaying sadness, love, gratitude or seeking help is okay and welcomed.

The hyper-masculine stereotype is dangerous and not real. It is a social pressure that has been with us for an eternity and is maintained by social media, pushed down from one generation to the next.

Wearing an iron mask

The pressure on men to conform to a traditional, narrow definition of masculinity is immense. This “man box”, as it’s often called, dictates that men must be self-sufficient, tough, and in control of themselves at all times. Showing emotion? That’s off-limits. Asking for help? That’s seen as a failure.

This relentless pressure forces men to wear a mask of invulnerability. They might be battling anxiety, depression, trauma, or overwhelming stress, but on the outside, they project an image of being “fine.” This performance is exhausting and, ultimately, isolating. It creates a profound disconnect between who a man truly is and the persona he feels compelled to maintain.

How struggling with mental health might look

It’s a common misconception that mental health struggles always look like sadness and tears. In men, the signs can be more subtle or present in unexpected ways. Because anger is often seen as a more “acceptable” male emotion, depression can manifest as irritability, aggression, or hostility.

There are other signs as well:

Changes in behaviour that either leads to more impulsive risk-taking such as reckless driving, gambling or taking drugs, or becoming more withdrawn and isolated.
Unexplained headaches, digestive issues and chronic pain often reveal bottling up emotional pain in men.
Overworking, spending excessive time on hobbies and increased reliance on alcohol and/or drugs are all forms of escapism.
Perhaps the most dangerous symptom of modern manhood is a reduction in interest at work, for hobbies or social activities. This can lead to a lack of direction and feeling there is no purpose or meaning to life, that we have no role to play in the world.
So, all the partners, wives, spouses, daughters and especially Dads out there, look out for the men in your life.

Let’s redefine what strength means

The first step is to redefine the social norms and stereotypes about what strength means. True strength requires courage, and it is not the type of courage that means we get into fights or defend our property. It is the kind of courage, the strength of courage to be vulnerable, to admit you are not okay, and to reach out for help.

The power of social media?
On the face of it, social media offers an alternative to the toxic stereotype of what it means to be a man, particularly within Generation Z (born between 1997 and 2012). Gen Z creators have gone a way to destigmatise male mental health via platforms like TikTok, where social influencers now talk openly about anxiety, ADHD, trauma and depression. This has begun to make conversations about mental health more open. This is particularly helpful for young men who exist in the social media ecosystem – their desires and even their identity exists there. This allows young men to find their ‘tribe’, likeminded individuals who share common interests.

Does little for the majority of men though and it is riddled with conflicting pressures and paradoxes. If Gen Z is lifting the rocks from mental health, it is also exposed to images of what men should look like, perfect bodies, lavish holidays and effortless success and wealth. Doesn’t this requirement to measure up and compare oneself to that kind if lifestyle and way of being simply outweigh the good being done by highlighting the plight of men’s mental health. After all, what you see on TikTok is not real, it’s part of a curated digital reality. I noticed this early on when Facebook started to take off. I noticed that people I knew where only sharing the curated highlights of their lives, leaving out the bad bits. This reliance on digital reality makes people compare themselves against an unobtainable model. Not to mention toxic subculture that exists within social media such as the “Manosphere”, reduced attention spans, and an algorithmic rabbit hole of misinformation and what cannot be achieved in the real world. This all leads to a lack of authenticity and burnout.

How we can all help each other

If you have concerns that a man or young man in your life is suffering in silence, try starting with an open-ended question like one of these:

“You don’t seem yourself lately. Are you okay?”

“How have things really been lately?” (adding really signals that you are interested beyond the characteristic response of “fine”.

“What has been taking up most of your headspace these days?”

“How are you sleeping?” (changing sleep patterns offer signify something deeper like stress, anxiety or depression).

“I’m heading out for a walk, would you like to join me?”

“Is there anything I can do to take the load off you? I’m happy to give you a hand with looking after the kids, or cooking, or something else”.

Let’s start now to dismantle the stigma and the paradoxes that exist in the digital world that social media exists in. Let’s check in on our mates, brothers, dad and sons using our human connection. Let’s begin to create a world where no man has to suffer in silence. It really is time to talk.